I have been in a cocoon of my own making for a couple of years now. Basically I have been resting and trying to revive what has been lost. My health for the most part now seems to be recoverd from where I was at a couple of years ago. My heart arythmia has seemed to work itself out, My shoulder seems finally healed. My legs are in good shape. There are some things I need to work on. Namely one is my weight. For a bit over a year now I weigh more now than I have ever. There has been loss and gain but still nothing remarkable. There has been a weight on me for a while now. It’s seems like I have had little energy close to where I used to. An while I have had ambition and drive in my job, all the projects I have wanted to accomplish have fallen short to where I wanted to be. I give effort right up to the point it becomes to hard.
For so long there was a fog. From 2020 to 2022, for various reasons, my health took many hits. From the beginning of 2023 to now approaching fall of 2024, I rested. Rested my mind, my drive, my ambition. I pampered myself and have spent a great deal of trial and error to gain back some of my drive, energy, ambition and health.
Even when I would get some energy, it seems like most things I touched, either my eyes were to big for my energy level or I had enormouse bad luck that followed my endeavors. Don’t get me wrong, some things have went really well and even more, I have invested in myself, gained tools and learning that have made and will make things I want to accompish easier. Even inside that investment there has been too many mistakes though, too many wasteful practices.
50 came along this year. Half a century of what I can claim was a lot of chaotic waves. The last year and nine months has been more peaceful. While I have not gotten outwardly some of the things I wish I could have accomplished. The inside, my mind, heart and soul has become cleansed. I feel less toxic and less toxicty has been allowed in. I have learned to shed feeling like I should be able to control anyone else or anything else. I finally feel like the only person fixing I will be doing is myself. I am not here to rescue anyone and I do not need someone else to make me feel any one thing.
I don’t say this with attitude, I say this with reality. Last month or so that fog has been finally lifting. Thankfully. My depression that came along with all of the last few years is also slowly becoming extinct. I feel alive, I feel ambition creeping in, regardless of how long it has eluded me. I also feel my energy levels returning finally. Returning and filling up.
Mostly I have been a homebody for this last year and a half. Leaving occassionally to go to the store, little stops in town, my daughters house and a few times at my parents. The only other times I have left is when a dear friend and awesome person comes into town. When she is here I go out. Also when she is here I spend more time, even 2 weeks once in town. I think that the isolation has been good for me but I also think it is time to start flying high a bit.
Today is an accomplishment as well as every other day. The wide sea of possibilities is in front of me. I have plans, big and little ones, it is time to make my dreams come true.